Although the tongue is a small part of the human body, when it is not restrained by God’s Holy Spirit, it can do limitless damage to others. In the second installment of a four-part series on the power of edifying speech, Dr. Don Dunlap provides readers with a Listening Etiquette Checklist. He also discusses practical steps for Christians who desire to obey God’s directive to speak words that “give grace to the hearer.”

Katie was a woman in our church who had become known as a troublemaker and a busybody. She had been guilty of gossiping, of misrepresenting facts, and of prying into other people’s affairs. She agreed to meet with me to discuss how to biblically control the use of her tongue. We established the goal that we would help her learn to edify others with her speech, and thus glorify God.

When we speak words that are not edifying, we defile the person we are talking to, and we defile ourselves.

I referred her to James 3:5,6,

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire? And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.

We then looked at Proverbs 15:4,

A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.

I explained that her speech could either tear people down, or build them up, depending on her obedience to God’s commands regarding the use of the tongue.

I urged her to consider how obedience to these passages in God’s Word would enhance her testimony for Jesus Christ.

I suggested that we both memorize James 1:26 before our next meeting the following week. Katie agreed to the plan, and we wrote the verse on cards so that we could carry it with us throughout the coming seven days:

If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.

We began our second meeting with a discussion of what I call the “Listening Etiquette Checklist.” I told Katie that one of the most important steps in learning to accurately report facts is listening attentively and politely when someone is speaking. I asked her to fill out a brief yes/no checklist, to help her determine whether or not she had mastered this skill.

1.      When someone is talking to you, either individually or in a group setting, do you ever whisper to someone else, or listen to someone whispering to you? Yes/No 

2.      Do you ever gaze around at other people or things when someone is talking to you? Yes/No 

3.      Do you frown, yawn, or make other negative facial expressions when someone is speaking to you? Yes/No 

4.      Do you look at your watch or a clock when someone is talking to you? Yes/No 

5.      Do you ever ask inappropriate or prying questions when someone is relating facts to you? Yes/No 

I knew for certain that Katie had frequently been guilty of all the offenses listed in the checklist, but I wanted to give her the opportunity to realize and acknowledge this for herself. She answered Yes to all five questions, and we proceeded to examine specific ways that she could change her present behavior.

Dr. Don Dunlap, a pioneer in the placement of Pastoral Counselors in the offices of Christian physicians, has conducted over twenty thousand appointments during his ministerial career. His counseling practice includes adults, children and families in crisis. Dr. Dunlap is committed to facilitating a network of telephone counselors. His goal is to provide help for the many people unable to meet face to face with a competent Bible-based counselor. For a complete library of Dr. Dunlap’s articles, indexed by topic, go to Family Counseling Ministries. You may also make an appointment for personal telephone counseling by clicking on Family Counseling Ministries. Family Counseling Ministries is a Christianity.com ministry Partner.

• Your Words: Do They Start Fires or Heal Hearts?
  We need to understand how our careless words have the potential to devastate and destroy others.
• Do Your Words Give Grace to the Hearer?
  Review a Listening Etiquette Checklist and see how to encourage others with your speech.
• How to Have Edifying Speech
  When we violate the biblical principles that determine the use of the tongue, we harm others.
• Want to be an Encourager? Here’s How!
  Want to know how to speak edifying words? Read some practical suggestions for building others up.